So today I find it challenging to be on my "diet" of thinking only positive thoughts. My mom was late to watch the kids as usual, with a typical excuse. Halloran is not sleeping well (I think it's her teeth), and she was up at 6:15 am when I am trying to get ready for work. Then at work they are still putting me in with clients all over kingdom come, and it makes me nervous to be working with the clients directly when I'm getting so big, and also, I do not want to be far away if I go in to labor.
*My thinking positively book would say I should not say things like "I do not want..." because it attracts the things I do not want, instead I should say "I want to stay in the office more..."*
Anyway.
So, I still try to remain positve, and usually on my way to work I'll blast my music (which the baby loves), and get happy. Well. I did not have my favorite cd, the radio stations were all talk, and my other cd with "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" on it, was just not doing the trick. But, I have not broke down yet, I feel good, and the day is going by fast!
The other real big challenge I was nervous for today was that 2 years ago today I started bleeding while 11 weeks along in a pregnancy...it was also Mother's Day that year. The next day I went in to see my midwife for a regular check up. Tom and I brought Brady with (1 year old), so he could be apart of the experience. Well, Susan could not find the heartbeat but encouraged me to be optimistic since many times it can be hard to find it at this time. So she orderd an ultrasound. We were sooooo nervous. The tech did not say anything about what was on the screen, but we laughed about being pregnant and how after your first pregnancy, it seems like you get bigger sooner with the subsequent ones.
Then we went back up to the clinic, and waited. I had to pee super bad, so I went to the bathroom, and when I came back in the room. Susan was there.
And she said, "Sorry honey, there's no baby."
I immediately started to cry...no....sob. Tom was too, but trying very hard not to bawl as I was. Brady wanted his mommy, and I still was at a loss for words. Susan hugged me and said it was going to be ok, and I thought, "How?"
We left, but when through a different door, because, one of my many Aunts who work at the Medical Center in town, was working the receptionist desk in that clinic, and I couldn't bare to say the words yet.
5 days later, I officially lost the baby. I was walking with my son over to my in-laws. When I got there I just felt really funny, because I had been bleeding horribly bad that day. I asked my mother-in-law to watch Brady for a minute, I had to go home. I made it to the bathroom and as soon as I sat down, (don't continue reading if you don't like details)......
but the sac and placenta, it all came out. I had no idea what to do! I was not flushing it. That was my baby that had been forming in there. And actually, to be more detailed, I did not let what was coming out of me go in the toilet, I caught it with my hand. This was a very traumatic moment in my life. I sat there, by myself, in the bathroom, with literally, my baby that stopped growing in my hands. To clarify, I could not see if there was a baby, it would have obviously been super small, and non-identifiable because my baby stopped growing at 6 weeks. I'll never forget how I felt. I put it in a small box and immediately called my midwife. See, another thing was, that I did not know what to expect from a miscarriage. I thought I would just bleed and bleed and bleed and then that was it.
I could not get a hold of her, but she was going to call back. So I called Tom, and then he called his mom to ask her if she would just watch Brady till he got home. I didn't know what to do so I started cooking supper, still crying. All of a sudden I had that weird urge again to like push, so I went back to the bathroom and there was more. I just didn't get what was happening. I felt like this was not happening to me. This was one of the saddest days of my life. And today, 2 years later, my son is 3 years old, and Halloran, whose pregnancy helped heal my wounds, is now 1 year. And with my new challenge of thinking positively, I can only think these thoughts:
"An angel in the book of life wrote down our baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book...'too beautiful for earth'"-- Author Unknown
"Anyone can make a baby, it takes someone very special to make an angel."-- Author Unknown
So, instead of grieving for my loss then, I smile and thank God for the gifts I have already received and for the blessings in my life, especially, being a mother.
*My thinking positively book would say I should not say things like "I do not want..." because it attracts the things I do not want, instead I should say "I want to stay in the office more..."*
Anyway.
So, I still try to remain positve, and usually on my way to work I'll blast my music (which the baby loves), and get happy. Well. I did not have my favorite cd, the radio stations were all talk, and my other cd with "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" on it, was just not doing the trick. But, I have not broke down yet, I feel good, and the day is going by fast!
The other real big challenge I was nervous for today was that 2 years ago today I started bleeding while 11 weeks along in a pregnancy...it was also Mother's Day that year. The next day I went in to see my midwife for a regular check up. Tom and I brought Brady with (1 year old), so he could be apart of the experience. Well, Susan could not find the heartbeat but encouraged me to be optimistic since many times it can be hard to find it at this time. So she orderd an ultrasound. We were sooooo nervous. The tech did not say anything about what was on the screen, but we laughed about being pregnant and how after your first pregnancy, it seems like you get bigger sooner with the subsequent ones.
Then we went back up to the clinic, and waited. I had to pee super bad, so I went to the bathroom, and when I came back in the room. Susan was there.
And she said, "Sorry honey, there's no baby."
I immediately started to cry...no....sob. Tom was too, but trying very hard not to bawl as I was. Brady wanted his mommy, and I still was at a loss for words. Susan hugged me and said it was going to be ok, and I thought, "How?"
We left, but when through a different door, because, one of my many Aunts who work at the Medical Center in town, was working the receptionist desk in that clinic, and I couldn't bare to say the words yet.
5 days later, I officially lost the baby. I was walking with my son over to my in-laws. When I got there I just felt really funny, because I had been bleeding horribly bad that day. I asked my mother-in-law to watch Brady for a minute, I had to go home. I made it to the bathroom and as soon as I sat down, (don't continue reading if you don't like details)......
but the sac and placenta, it all came out. I had no idea what to do! I was not flushing it. That was my baby that had been forming in there. And actually, to be more detailed, I did not let what was coming out of me go in the toilet, I caught it with my hand. This was a very traumatic moment in my life. I sat there, by myself, in the bathroom, with literally, my baby that stopped growing in my hands. To clarify, I could not see if there was a baby, it would have obviously been super small, and non-identifiable because my baby stopped growing at 6 weeks. I'll never forget how I felt. I put it in a small box and immediately called my midwife. See, another thing was, that I did not know what to expect from a miscarriage. I thought I would just bleed and bleed and bleed and then that was it.
I could not get a hold of her, but she was going to call back. So I called Tom, and then he called his mom to ask her if she would just watch Brady till he got home. I didn't know what to do so I started cooking supper, still crying. All of a sudden I had that weird urge again to like push, so I went back to the bathroom and there was more. I just didn't get what was happening. I felt like this was not happening to me. This was one of the saddest days of my life. And today, 2 years later, my son is 3 years old, and Halloran, whose pregnancy helped heal my wounds, is now 1 year. And with my new challenge of thinking positively, I can only think these thoughts:
"An angel in the book of life wrote down our baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book...'too beautiful for earth'"-- Author Unknown
"Anyone can make a baby, it takes someone very special to make an angel."-- Author Unknown
So, instead of grieving for my loss then, I smile and thank God for the gifts I have already received and for the blessings in my life, especially, being a mother.
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